07.24
I've only ever had one or two lucid dreams, the clearest I remember was realising I was dreaming of an almost post apocalyptic land with large cliff faces or what could have been large abandoned buildings that had rusted and succumbed to the earths reclamation of itself. I was at the bottom of one of these when I became aware of my dreamt reality, and in a brief panic of realisation that I would only have a short window to do something fun in my lucid state before I awoke in my bed, I failed to be any more creative than flying to the top of the tall structures.
Brief moments of awakening to a deeper reality are of course not exclusive to sleep, and many people throughout history have experienced various versions of a sort of under layer to our usual reality, whether it be through drugs, meditation or life altering circumstances. While experiences differ, what is common to most if not all is a sense of a much more deeply interconnected reality in which we exist, one which is unquestionably ignored and dismissed by the structural systems of modern society.
Growing up I adored nature, animals and being outdoors. Coming home from school I would often go straight through the house and into the garden even if it was freezing, as there was something about the kind of peace I found outside which didn't exist inside that rebalanced the accumulated internal torture of the school day. Somewhere within the rollercoaster journey of growing up, however, a fog seemed to be cast over my deep love for the outdoors, and other longings evolved out of the fears I had been collecting along the way. The pressure to make something of yourself, "be somebody" and have a successful career is forced upon us at such a young age, and in this way many of the survival skills you learn while trying to fit in on the school playground prove to be just as relevant as you embark on the journey from education into work.
Luckily most people do grow out of the petty schoolyard type bullying, and for me college and university were places I found easier to fit into, but the ways I had learnt to avoid being picked on at school stayed with me and only in hindsight do I now understand many of the choices I made. Like in my dream, I only had a brief window to decide what to do, what path to take in life, and I chose one that ensured what I believed to be my means of survival.
I am asked what I dream of, where I want to be in five years time, and my answer used to fall within some version of a talented and successful-in-the-eyes-of-others person, or in other words, someone popular like the girls at school who didn't need to worry if their friends would wait for them at lunchtime, or whether there was any doubt that boys would notice them.
I am asked what I dream of, and now I don't know the answer. I no longer seek the validation of success, and I don't remember what I was doing in my dream before I realised I was dreaming, I just know it felt good to fly upwards and beyond the cliff face.